I always thought I’d have two kids. There’s something about only having one that seems lonely, and when you get to three…well, the kids start to outnumber the parents and that seems like more than I could handle.
[Before going any further, I would like to pause and address my mother and assure you that we have in no way made a decision to not give you any more grandchildren. Thank you everyone else for your patience.]
Two children seemed to make sense, and feel right. There really wasn’t a question of “if” we would expand our family, but rather “when.” And, sometimes, the “when” feels like “now.” Mostly within the context of, “If we just have another baby right now then we could get rid of all the boxes of maternity clothes & baby stuff in the shed.”
Recently, however, I’ve been having fleeting thoughts that make me think twice. Things just seem so…easy. I get a full nights’ rest, I don’t feel pulled in lots of directions, I can give my son all the attention I have, and we can easily provide for both today & tomorrow for our family. Plus, we have so much FUN! I love that he can talk to me, follow directions, and that I have the time & energy to teach him new things and watch him learn. We can go places with minimal effort. Life is full of laughs when I’m with my family. Life feels happy. Life feels normal.
I can’t help but think of how that would change with another one. But, there are still those thoughts that our family isn’t complete without four. I see pregnant women touch their bellies, and I think of my own little one kicking softly. I watch videos of our sweet little Conlan as a baby, and I want that again. I think we are good parents, and have a lot to offer another child. It seems like there are a lot of “maybe’s” floating around in my mind.
Maybe we’re meant to be a family of three.
Maybe I’ll regret not having another baby.
Maybe I won’t be a good mom to two kids.
Maybe Conlan would be a fantastic big brother.
Maybe he won’t.
Maybe I won’t be able to enjoy motherhood as much.
Maybe I’ll enjoy it more.
Maybe I’d be pushed beyond my limits.
Maybe we’d struggle financially.
Maybe I am underestimating myself.
Maybe things wouldn’t be as different as I imagine they would be.
Maybe other moms with more than one kiddo are laughing at me right now and think this is ridiculous.
Maybe you can’t really know for certain until you’re there.
Instead of wrestling with them, I have decided to take time out. To stop obsessing, planning, and making decisions. I am taking the time to honor those “maybe’s.” I want to find out if they are stirring in my soul because God put them there, or out of my own selfishness.
If we decide not to have another baby just because we imagine life would be more difficult, but the voice is not from God, it would be selfish.
If we decide to have another baby only because we “want” one, but the desire is not from God, that too is selfish.
I will be at peace, pray, and honor each of my thoughts. God will show me which He has placed in me, and which come from a place of fear and selfishness. Until then, we’ll just enjoy the family we have been given. For today, our family is complete.