Pillow Talk in Real Life

We’ve been married for nine years.  And every night for the last nine years, we’ve had the following conversation.

I’m not even exaggerating.

Husband:  {sleeping on his back, breathing loudly}

Me:  Roll over, you’re snoring.

Husband:  Okay.  {no movement}

Me:  Please roll over, you’re snoring.

Husband:  Okay.  {no movement}

Me:  {swift kick across the bed}  Roll over!  You’re snoring!

Husband:  No I was not!  I’m not even sleeping yet!  {rolls over.  problem solved.}

It’s well-documented {meaning mommy-blogs across the web have confirmed that this is a widespread epidemic} that men just drift off to sleep before their head even hits the pillow, while women lie awake for hours thinking about the next day’s tasks, rehashing an awkward conversation with a friend, and planning our children’s futures.  And sometimes we just obsess over our obsessing and then move on to obsessing about how we can possibly stop obsessing and go to sleep already because we have to get up in six…five…four hours.

It’s just the way it is.

So there I am, every night, annoyed by my husband’s breathing.  I blame it for my inability to sleep when in reality, my mama-brain just doesn’t shut off and my mama-ears are on super-sensitive because they’re listening for signs that the children will wake, someone’s breaking into our house, or the dishwasher is leaking water all over the kitchen floor.

Yes, I actually listen for those things.

Which is why it’s pretty easy to detect the breathing six inches away from me.

Back to our evening routine.  I’m being uber-productive over on the left side of the bed, making lists and planning our retirement and inventing recipes out of all the fridge leftovers so nothing goes bad.  And meanwhile, my husband is asleep.  And he doesn’t even know it.

Not fair, I tell you.  Not fair.

I’m tired.

That is all.

I know I’m not the only one listening to hear the kids fall out of bed or mice in the walls.  What ridiculous things do your mama-ears listen for {besides your husband’s breathing}?


7 thoughts on “Pillow Talk in Real Life

  1. I confess, the roles are the exact opposite at our house. I am the master of sleep and have trained the kids (through lack of responsiveness) to skip yelling for me and go straight to “Daaaaaaad!” if they need something after 9pm.

  2. So I just found your blog today and as a brand spankin’ new mommy (3 months in) I’ve been looking for some mommies that have the same outlook on this whole experience. Ive only read three posts and I’m laughing and commiserating already. I needed that 😉

  3. I listen for dogs peeing… BECAUSE I’M SLEEP DEPRIVED AND AM LOSING MY DAMN MIND! Haha. Seriously. Dogs peeing on the one and only carpet in the house. That’s just what they do… And of course, it’s in my baby’s room (which the dogs can’t get into at bed time, but I listen anyway!).

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